I say it's not for everyone because marriage requires more from us by way of tolerance, tenacity, trust, devotion, communication and strength than is naturally occurring in our soup of an existence. We must be bold to seize love but it takes a lasting courage and fortitude to hold tight. And both people in a marriage must be equal to the task, or it won't work - one person can't carry a marriage. It's too god damned heavy. But two people can do it, if they're willing to become exceptionally good, their most exceptionally brave selves. And marriage makes that happen.
It's not easy, but it's fun. A good marriage is the continuation of a wedding celebration, a long conversation that always seems too short, a dance of give and take and give and share and turn and spin and dip. There is no single recipe that will work for all persons but there are common factors that must exist, in whatever measure necessary. Respect, communication, trust, devotion, admiration. This'd be like flour, sugar, eggs and salt if you were making cake. And sit down, you gluten intolerant vegans, you know damn well it's a metaphor.
It's good to surround yourself with people who support your union. It's not good to exclude all others, because a little grit is good for the soul, but positivism is essential. We must remind ourselves, if necessary, our reasons to be grateful.
I am grateful for all the weddings I've done over the years. Each time I walked a couple through their vows, to myself I renewed my own and since, as stated above, marriage isn't easy each wedding helped renew my faith in the institution. And then I'd go home and we'd cuddle and watch TV or talk about our respective days and what tomorrow should ideally look like. It's been said that marriage is not gazing at one another but standing shoulder to shoulder and looking out in the same direction. I always get reminded of that line from Godfather 3 when I think of this, "our boats must go in the same direction", but it's as true of love as it is of crime. Common goals being so very uncommon, being something to treasure.
We don't always treasure it properly. We, as a species, fall into cliche and routine. It's a disgusting way to treat something as enviable and precious as affection, and tends to warp the feeling in lasting, unpleasant ways. As an officiant, I particularly loved providing same sex weddings because there was an evident appreciation and courage in that first wave of couples who'd been waiting so, so long, some of them coming from very far away to enjoy our newly found and rational laws of the summer of 2003. Couples afraid to go to city hall because back home they'd have been attacked, but going anyway. A couple who were, after 32 years of loving each other, on the brink of entering an old folks home and just wanted the paper work to prove they shouldn't be separated. On the worst days of mis-communication that bordered on slander, how could I become cynical in the light of such strength. And so the next conversation with my (slightly more rational) husband would gain a better focus, and a better outcome.
In the summer of 2003, a summer of love in Toronto, two men of good character also got married. I wasn't at their wedding but got to know them latter. They ran a bed and breakfast and over the time of same helped over fifty couples get married too. Today is their anniversary which has got me thinking about all of these things.
An anniversary is a time to celebrate the mix of our marriages - the tenacity and trust, the talk and the silence, lust and fine regard - and the order and quantity of these ingredients varies, of course, on any given year. An anniversary celebrates present joy, past time shared and a future still stretching out. It's pretty spiffy. I don't think we need to buy each other expensive gifts or fall into consumer traps but appreciate each other? Most profoundly, most definitely. Today, as they appreciate each other I appreciate them, for their friendship and fine example, for their courage and infectious sense of fun. I'm better for having known them and I think my marriage is too. Gentlemen, you rock.
******
Quotes according to the internets:
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust
